All I Wanted
by waywardvictorian
Summary: Three years was a long time.Three years of not lying or running or almost getting killed every other day. He'd had three years of normal. But he'd also had three years without Dean. Slash of the Sam/Dean sort.


**All I Wanted.**

**A/n:** This is my first attempt at Dean/Sam and is based on the song All I Wanted by Paramore. I am rather proud of the the way this has come out and I hope you all enjoy reading it as much I have writing it ( if you do enjoy it tell me!). I am without a beta- so please point out any mistakes you find so that I can fix them.

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

_**Part I: Think of Me**_

_Think of me when you're out-when you're out there, I'll beg you nice from my knees. And when the world treats you way too fairly- well its a shame I'm a dream. All I wanted was you._

**S**am had given up on his essay. He leaned back, lounging in the high backed wooden chair, long legs stretched out, sucking on his pen. Today he couldn't focus. Some days it was harder then others. Sometimes it was effortless, today it was impossible.

Today the rise and fall of democracy and its implications for the future didn't matter. Dates, names, places, and the hundreds of pages he'd just read slipped through his fingers and he couldn't find in himself to care. And it was because he wasn't able to focus that he didn't hear Jess come up behind him.

She touched his shoulder but before she could speak, he'd jumped. One hand closed hard around her wrist, the other reached for the knife that he'd sworn he stop carrying. The one that was at least twelve kinds of illegal and he didn't- no- shouldn't need any more.

Just like he shouldn't still sleep with it under his pillow - or still salt the windows once and a while. But he did. And no matter how many times he said that this was the end, no more, that he would stop, that this was the last time. The knife would find its way back into his pocket and he'd find salt in his hand.

Sam turned to Jess. He immediately let go of his vice grip on her wrist and felt guilty– just Jess- what the else would it have been-he was in a library for Christs sake.

But then the voice in the back of his mind that sounded too much like Dean for his liking muttered, "since when has that stopped anything?"

"Sorry, you startled me," said Sam looking sheepish. Jess just rubbed her wrist and sat in the empty chair next to him.

She shrugged, tossing her hair over a shoulder and bent over his work, "you aren't finished yet? Sam are you okay? You've been in here all day."

She looked worried.

"I'm fine. No seriously. Just having problems focusing that's all. I'm gonna give it another hour and then call it quits. After that wanna maybe grab dinner at that new Thai place?"

She smiled bright and happy, "sure! That sounds great, I need to grab about couple of books and pick up my laundry, meet you back here?"

Sam nodded. She stood kissed his cheek and ran her hand over his shoulders before disappearing into the stacks.

And Sam re-doubled his efforts to finish that damn essay. He had a paragraph to go and needed to come up with a more substantial conclusion then Dean's old standby, "because that's the way it is. The end." -

But Sam knew that if he considered that an option he wasn't going to be able to finish the essay tonight. He'd do the work and get the grade. Just not tonight.

Because tonight he though about Dean. Out on the road somewhere; flying down the highway or passed out in a shitty motel after a hunt.

Sam chewed on his pen. He wondered where Dean was- if he was nearby. For all he knew Dean could be in the next town over and he'd never know it. And he wondered if Dean thought of him. Sam snorted- of course he didn't.

Sam ran his fingers over the length of the knife in his pocket tracing the grooves in it's worn handle.

Three years was a long time. Three years of not shouting directions at Dean to keep them from getting lost. Three years of not lying or running or almost getting killed every other day. He'd had three years of normal. But he'd also had three years without Dean.

Normal, that's what he'd wanted. And yet some things weren't easy to forget and the traitorous part of his brain that he'd gotten very good at pretending didn't exist whispered, "you would have stayed if he'd asked, you know you would have. But then he didn't- and you wish he did."

Sam closed his eyes, and bit down hard on the end of his pen. Three years was a long time and right now he had a paper that he needed to finish. But by the time he let out his breath and opened his eyes, Jess had walked up to the paper covered table.

"Ready?" she asked.

Sam closed his book, "yeah, lets go."

_**Part II: Black and White Re-runs**_

_I think I'll pace my apartment a few times and fall asleep on the couch. And wake up early to black and white re-runs? That escaped from my mouth- all I wanted was you._

Dean sprawled across the lumpy motel bed, face down, pretending to be asleep. The room smelled of mildew, the bathroom sink dripped, and Dean had forgot to turn off the T.V. Early morning black and white re-runs flashed at him from the other side of the room. He could see them even behind his eyelids.

He knew it was early- way too fucking early for for him to be anything else other then asleep.

Dean groaned. Nothing for it- he wasn't getting back to sleep. He rolled off the old bed and stumbled across the dark room, tripping over his boots while he groped for the lights.

After crashing into the wall, he flicked the switch. Light flooded the room. He narrowed his eyes, blinded by the sudden brightness. Before snatching his shirt from its habitual resting place over the alarm clock- those things were damn bright.

"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me."

Three fifteen am- why the hell was he awake at three fifteen am?

Dean fell backwards on to the bed and threw one arm over his eyes- this so wasn't what he wanted to be doing right now.

But everything had gone to hell. Dad was gone, and Dean was worried. And getting Sam to help him, would be- well he didn't know if Sam would come. And then he didn't know what he'd do if Sam refused- Dean really didn't want to have to do this alone. But he really wasn't looking forward to going to Stanford either.

Stupid Sam, stupid Stanford, stupid stupid stupid. This totally wasn't worth loosing sleep over, really it wasn't.

But it was- because it was Sam. And Dean didn't know what he would do if Sam wouldn't help him. He also didn't know what he'd do when he saw Sam again. Because as much as he wanted to see his brother, to make sure he was okay- for Sam to come with him- he didn't want to see how much happier Sam was there. How much happier he was at Stanford then here-with him. He wasn't sure that he could take that.

But he'd have to, he needed to man up, get dressed, eat some chips, find some coffee and hit the road. The drive to Stanford from West Paterwark, New Jersey wasn't short. He might as well get started now- not like he was gonna get back to sleep anyway, no point sitting around the motel all morning.

He walked out the door less then ten minutes later and dropped into the seat of the Impala- he'd decided he'd worry about Sam when he got there- or at least worry about his reaction when he got there- he never stopped worrying about Sam.

_**Part III: To the Beginning**_

_I could follow you to the beginning- just to re-live the start. And maybe then we'd remember to slow down at all our favorite parts. All I wanted was you._

**S**am had finished his paper, turned it in on time and he'd even gotten a good grade. And now he should be getting dressed to go out with Jess to some stupid Halloween thing he didn't want to go to. Instead he lay on the bed resolutely not moving.

Halloween just wasn't his thing. And it wasn't even actually Halloween yet- but the tacky decorations were already up, and everyone and their mother was excited. Except Sam. He didn't even want to think about Halloween.

It represented everything he wanted to forget- that and it had been the start. The beginning of him and Dean- and that-that was too painful to even touch.

But with the decorations everywhere and the mounting excitement on campus he couldn't think of much else.

And now Jess wanted to go to some stupid party and bounced around the apartment getting dressed- which was what Sam really should be doing- rather then thinking about things from along time ago- thinking about the start.

It had been Halloween and he'd been fifteen and they had been hold up in a Motel somewhere on the east cost- maybe Delaware or Jersey and Dad had been out hunting something. What, Sam couldn't remember- they had all run together- and unless something really bad happened hunting had become an indistinguishable mess of monsters, motels and greasy diner food. It didn't even really matter what it had been- it had been something and Dad had been out.

What did matter was that he and Dean had been left on their own that night. And since it was Halloween they had pushed all the pillows up against one of the head boards to make a sort of couch out of one of the narrow beds, a bag of microwaved popcorn between them, watching some awful B-horror movie.

And they would have just watched the movie and gone to sleep but then Dean had to go and say something and Sam had hit him and then they'd fought. Popcorn flew every which way, the movie forgotten.

And then somewhere in the mess of flailing limbs and kicking they'd end up kissing, hot and hard and hands had tangled in hair and they fell off the bed and Dean had freaked out, and Sam might have too.

And that had been their beginning and Sam wished he remembered all the little details that hadn't seemed important at the time like where they had been- or how Dean's lips had tasted. But now Jess called for him, he stood, and stepped out into the living room where she waited smiling.

_**Part IV: All I Wanted**_

_All I wanted was you._

**D**ean parked the Impala across the street from Sam's building. It was late, the building completely dark, and when Dean climbed the stairs and tried the door it was locked.

He made quick work of the door- it really wasn't a hassle, and he would have been pissed if Sam hadn't locked it- that would just been asking for something to come get him.

The door swung open, Dean crossed the threshold and moved in the general direction of where a kitchen should be. He might as well get a beer- since he was here.

But then the floor squeaked and he missed stepped and whacked his shine on a couch he hadn't expected to be there and hissed in pain. And then the someone in the doorway and came at him fast- Sam- Sam came at him and they collided and grappled to the floor. While Dean tried to prevent any major damage to his head or the glass coffee table.

"Easy tiger."

"Dean. What are you doing here?" demanded Sam.

"Looking for a beer."

Sam crossed his arms, "its called a phone."

"Yeah- and would you have answered?" Dean shot back.

Sam was quite.

"Sam?" she said and flicked the light.

Girlfriend- shit.

And so Dean decided that Sam probably wouldn't be coming with- and even if he did- well it wasn't going to be like he'd thought and maybe he'd have been better off going by himself- because they were already arguing.

But then Sam agreed as long as he was back Monday.

This wasn't what Dean had been hoping for but it didn't matter, he'd still be with Sam.

What Dean didn't know was what Sam had been really saying was yesyesyesyes and that all he'd been thinking was DeanDeanDeanDean and what he'd really meant by "have to be back by Monday" was "I need come back to break up with my girlfriend and tie up loose ends."

Just like Dean hadn't heard Sam begging for him to ask him to stay- he didn't hear Sam now.

Because God did their communication skills suck- and it was tense and awkward but it was okay. Sam didn't care because he was with Dean. And Dean didn't care that Sam had a girlfriend and that he would go back to Stanford and leave him all alone again- because it was Sam and anything was better then nothing. Even if it still hurt.

And Sam- Sam knew Dean didn't hear him- he never did. But that was okay, Sam would just have to stick around until Dean figured it out- even if it took a long time. It was okay because Sam was with Dean and that's all he wanted.

End.


End file.
